I was chatting with an old mate of mine the other day. By old, I mean both his age and the length of time he’s been a mate, which as I write this is into its fourth decade. We got talking about films and he shared with me his all-time top 5. Describing it as an alternative top 5 film list is doing it a disservice. It’s not even iconoclastic, it’s just plain, well, odd. Maverick let’s say.

We’re both huge fans of the path less trodden in life, and this list certainly epitomises that path. I asked Baz – for that is his name – to expand his list to 10 and send it to me. I should stress at this point the genuineness of this list. Baz added: “I’d like to emphasise that these really are my favourite 10 films. Not for me the temptation to fill the list with ‘film noir’ and French language piffle I’ve never actually watched.”

Here for you, dear reader, is that list in descending order of favour, complete with helpful annotations. Brace yourself…

“1) This Is Spinal Tap (nuff said – Plato’s Form of a flawless film)
2) Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (still have nightmares about the Childcatcher)
3) ABBA: the Movie (a thing of wonder, and I’m not just talking about Agnetha’s derriere)
4) Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (everything’s so wrong about this, it’s right!)
5) Murder on the Orient Express (I’m actually word perfect on this one)
6) Brimstone & Treacle (best soundtrack ever and Sting’s actually good!)
7) The Da Vinci Code (the perfect nonsense romp – who cares about the plot holes?)
8) The Wicker Man (the original, not the dreadful remake – plus Ingrid Pitt in a state of undress!)
9) Sink the Bismarck! (I won’t tell you how it ends…)
10) And Soon the Darkness (original 1970 version and the reason I sold my bike)

Citizen Kane was an unlucky four hundred and fifty seventh.”

Now that’s a list. You should acquaint yourself with its contents. I know I plan to, I’ve only half of it done.